I am so lost. I will admit it, I have no idea what to do? well that is not precisely true...I have some ideas of what to do. But I think my pride has gotten in the way of thinking clearly. But this will somehow end for the better. I am guessing the current job I have must be no good for me and although I have huge doubts that the company I am going to try to work for won't be much better, maybe I will be able to focus on my family and school. perhaps staying at my current job would make me divided on my focusing...and I do have some problems with staying focused! ah ha!
who knows? at this point all I want is to have a job that I enjoy enough to be able to muscle through it, for it to pay enough that I can pay my bills and then some, and I would be able to spend time with Ainsley and be able to focus on school.
I guess I need to focus on the future because right now is only for right now if I so choose.
I know that when change happens to me it's never subtle. Alas...it likes to kick me in the ass...hey that rhythms!
but things always turn out for the best and this is for the best.
so here I go! into the future that is very much unknown...but it will be good...
and who knows what will happen in this adventure...

Moving Trees

I read that one shouldn't try to move trees instead one should just walk around them...
I thought it was very good advice and a nice piece of wisdom.
I do a lot of trying to "move trees", I worry about things that might or could or should or maybe happen...ironically the more I focus on the maybes or mights the more probable they will happen.
What if instead I just decided to let life be, to want what I want, to allow myself to feel what I feel without judgment (from myself) and see how that changes my way of living.
I find that I am the harshest critic of myself, in fact I imagine people thinking things about me that they probably (hopefully) don't. Why am I so mean to myself? I am not the only one, I have been around many people that I hear say nasty things about or to themselves. And it always makes me sad for them...well and for myself...
I was worrying about what this blog would sound like...if it sounded whiny and pathetic...but then I remembered that no one has to read it and I am just using this as a sounding board for my thoughts.
So on that note I will post this and think more about moving trees...
hehe

my first post

I want to start this blog on a positive note...
But I'm creating this blog feeling quite despondent so I will try to do my best.
I heard some great wisdom the other day, and that was to have better self esteem and to always capitalize your "I"s. This was in reference to the nowadays texting and emailing but I thought it was very wise. So I'm going to make a concerted effort to capitalize my "I"s from now on.
It is odd how people do things they don't want to do out of a strange guilty feeling. Why are they feeling guilty about it in the first place? If something is making you feel guilty then maybe you should look more closely at the whole situation instead of just caving in and doing it.
I say this as if I don't do this exact thing...I do...but I would like to try to stop feeling guilty so much and to do only things that are productive to mine and my families life.
well it's something for me to work on eh?